Harry Warboy and the Raiders of Humungus
Hogteeth Citadel has four Houses: Slytherin, Gravelspittin, Clawgut and Scrotepunch.
Clawgut’s students come mostly from that creepy swamp place with the Bosch stilts. The sole qualification for joining Scrotepunch is a brief rite of initiation – nonetheless, only the most macho and/or desperate students choose this path.
The Immortan, the People Eater and the Bullet Farmer form the board of governors, which is also the Ministry of Combustion.
Bikes and beach buggies replace wands. Spells include Rollanbounce, Really High Jump, Snatch, Yorefullaholes (which saves you from having to keep count of ammo) and ShinyandChrome, which summons a fireball, 50% chance engulfing the caster and their bike. Valhallaaaargh! makes your next roll an automatic crit or crit fail (50% chance). Petronus is a petrol-powered Patronus.
Rowling’s talkative, spying portraits are replaced by preserved body parts of previous Immortans, which sometimes speak to a Warboyz inside his head so no one else can hear.
The whole potions thing remains unchanged – Snape, the ingredients, everything.
NPCs summoned by a cursory Google Image Search for the title:
with thanks/apologies to Adam Thornton.
Jeff’s 20 questions:
What is the deal with my cleric’s religion? / Where can we go to buy standard equipment? / Where can we go to get platemail custom fitted for this monster I just befriended? / Who is the mightiest wizard in the land? / Who is the greatest warrior in the land? / Who is the richest person in the land?
IMMORTAN JOE IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW BOY
Where can we go to get some magical healin / get cures for the following conditions: poison, disease, curse, level drain, lycanthropy, polymorph, alignment change, death, undeath?
YEAH THE IMMORTAN CAN’T HELP YOU WITH THAT YOUR BEST BET IS FIERY IMMOLATION IN BATTLE
Is there a magic guild my MU belongs to or that I can join in order to get more spells? / Where can I find an alchemist, sage or other expert NPC?
THAT ALL SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS CITADEL AND GO SEARCHING IN THE DESERT. LEAVE YOUR BIKE BEHIND FOR SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT
Where can I hire mercenaries?
ARE YOU CHALLENGING THE IMMORTAN, BOY? ARE YOU?
Is there any place on the map where swords are illegal, magic is outlawed or any other notable hassles from Johnny Law?
SINCE THE FALL IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL THE INSANE FROM THE REST. WE WILL JUST ASSUME YOU FELL ON YOUR HEAD OR SOMETHING
Which way to the nearest tavern? / How about gladiatorial arenas complete with hard-won glory and fabulous cash prizes?
EVERY KIND OF MEANINGLESS TEMPORARY BLISS AND RESPITE AWAITS THOSE WHO SUCCEED IN THE GLADIATOR PITS BELOW THE IMMORTAN’S IMMACULATE RECLINER
What monsters are terrorizing the countryside sufficiently that if I kill them I will become famous?
ALL THE WORLD IS MONSTERS, BOY. ONLY THE IMMORTAN IS WITHOUT TAINT
Are there any wars brewing I could go fight? / Are there any secret societies with sinister agendas I could join and/or fight?
WERE YOU NOT LISTENING THE IMMORTAN IS YOUR FRIEND AND ALL THE NOT-IMMORTAN IS YOUR ENEMY
What is there to eat around here?
GOOD QUESTION. DIRT, MOSTLY. AND LETTUCES. AND POTION INGREDIENTS TO SEE WHAT THEY DO.
Any legendary lost treasures I could be looking for?
WATER. FREE FUEL. MACHINE PARTS. DEODORANT. ALL WAIT IN THE DEEP DESERT BUT IF YOU WANT TO GET THERE WITH YOUR BIKE YOU’LL HAVE TO SNEAK PAST THE DORMITORY WARDEN AND OPEN THE GATES SOMEHOW. TRAITOR.
Where is the nearest dragon or other monster with Type H treasure?
THE PEOPLE EATER AND THE BULLET FARMER LIVES OUT ON THE PLAINS. HAHA JUST JOKING THEY ARE OUR ALLIES. HAHA. HA. THERE ARE RUMOURS OF A FEARSOME DRAGON WAY OUT IN HEX 5447 BUT IT’S PROBABLY JUST TINA TURNER. AGAIN.
Brendan’s 20 questions:
- Ability scores generation method? – 3d6 in order
- How are death and dying handled? – 0 is out, -1 is dead
- What about raising the dead? – AND TURN YOUR BACK ON VALHALLA? PSHAW!
- How are replacement PCs handled? – they happened to be lying in wait in the dust right there.
- Initiative: individual, group, or something else? – group d6, high wins, tie goes to players
- Are there critical hits and fumbles? How do they work? – 2 or below: crit fail. 19 or above: crit success
- Do I get any benefits for wearing a helmet? – chicks dig it
- Can I hurt my friends if I fire into melee or do something similarly silly? – 8 or below hits a friend
- Will we need to run from some encounters, or will we be able to kill everything? – Drive away recklessly. Or better yet, steal their wheels and use them to drive the hell out of there.
- Level-draining monsters: yes or no? – maybe, but see 13.
- Are there going to be cases where a failed save results in PC death? – yes
- How strictly are encumbrance & resources tracked? – you can carry up to 2 friends on your bike. If you don’t have a bike, you can carry 1 friend on your shoulder if you have to. Otherwise you may never carry more than a tool belt a knife and a gun.
- What’s required when my PC gains a level? Nobody gets to level 2 unless they challenge the Immortan
- What do I get experience for? – treasure, defeating foes, surviving potion ingredients, exploring
- How are traps located? Description + die roll.
- Are retainers encouraged and how does morale work? – You are the lowest of the low. You yourself have to roll morale.
- How do I identify magic items? They are decorated with skulls or in possession of the Immortan or other notables
- Can I buy magic items? Buy? With what? Your meagre sexual favours? I don’t think so.
- Can I create magic items? Maybe by negotiation/special pleading
- What about splitting the party? – On purpose? Sure. It’s a terrible idea though. People come back changed.
Andrew Ferris’s 20 Questions: aren’t actually questions, he just expects you’ve probably never considered these questions if you’ve been hiding under a rock for the past 30 years.
1. isn’t this all a bit racist? Only if Warboyz is a race, but if you’re really worried, just add Carcosan crayola coloured men – that’ll help
2. isn’t this all sexist? Yes, against boyz of all stripes
3. aren’t you just perpetuating a bunch of vile stereotypes and if you squint really hard, also colonial discourses? Duh
4-20: these first 3 questions repeated in increasingly querulous tones